Today it's gloomy.
Yesterday was a surprise because, when I left work, the temperature was hovering somewhere between Very Warm and Kinda Hot. It felt like a Santa Ana coming on. But not today. Today they're expecting thunderstorms. And right as I typed this, I heard the first of the raindrops hitting the window ledge outside our office.
It's gray outside. It's cold inside. And I'm at loose ends after yesterday.
Yesterday I was following Suggestion 19 (Be bold and courageous), hoping for Suggestion 2 (Work at something you enjoy...) to kick in. It felt good to be bold, to imagine and try for a life that's completely different from the one I led while I was raising my kids. Supporting a family doesn't usually call for this kind of boldness.
I had started taking some practical steps in case I got hired: Make sure my ex-husband would take in our daughter (he would), start thinking about who could take care of my little dog Abby (I wouldn't be able to keep her), and let my daughter's friend know that she might not have a place to stay anymore.
Everyone was excited for me, because they saw the excitement in my eyes--my friends, my daughter, and even her friend (even though she would probably have to move back in with her mom, until the two sisters and their mom argued again and their mom threw the older daughter out again). And when I broke the news that I wasn't selected, they were disappointed for me, even though they were glad I wouldn't be leaving. My daughter's friend told me she didn't mind moving back in with her mom, if it meant I'd be able to have my dream. What great girls I have at home.
So I'm trying to fight the gloom, that letdown that comes after the adrenaline is gone. And I'm trying to hang on to the boldness instead. I may just have to watch Gallipoli tonight, though, and then shake it all off tomorrow and get busy.
2 comments:
Skyepuppy,
I'm sorry that this opportunity didn't turn out to be what you had hoped for, but at the same time, I'm not. I'm not because I know that you know that God has something better in mind for you...and it will be better than what you had planned or hoped for.
I have a favorite song that comes to mind when things aren't quite going the way I had hoped and when I don't know or understand the "whys". Here are the lyrics, if you don't mind me sharing.
"Trust His Heart"
All things work for our good
Though sometimes we don't see how they could
Struggles that break our heart in two
Sometimes blind us to the truth
Our Father knows what's best for us
His Ways are not our own
So When your pathway grows dim and you just can't see Him
Remember you're never alone
Chorus
God is too wise to be mistaken
God it too good to be unkind
So when you don't understand
When you can't see His plan
When you can't trace His hand
Trust His heart.
He sees the master plan
He holds the future in His hands
So don't live as those who have no hope
All our hope is found in Him
We see the present clearly
But He sees the first and the last
And like a tapestry He's weaving you and me
To someday be just like Him
God is too wise to be mistaken
God is too good to be unkind
So when you don't understand
When you can't see His plan
When you trace His hand
Trust His heart.
It's so easy to say, "trust God", but so hard for us to do, yet when we do, He never ever fails to provide. There is a quote (I have no idea who said it, other than my mom) that goes, "God is seldom early, but never late." So hang in there.
Christina,
Thank you. I haven't heard/seen that song before, but it sure is true.
I guess my post didn't say it quite right (common blogging hazard), but I'm not really discouraged. I prayed about it, had my mom & my sister (they were together at Dairy Queen when I called--too cute!) and my Sunday School class and some friends praying about it. I just put it all in God's hands: whatever He thought was best.
If I had made it this time, there would have been the mad scramble to get ready by May 2, and I don't even know if I would have passed the physical/agility test the first day of training. The requirement I'm concerned about is the ability to comfortably lift 50 lbs. I know I can lift 20 lbs, but I don't know about 50.
So now I have 6 months to either build up some upper body strength or to figure out that my back won't take it and go on to God's Plan B for me. Without having to panic.
I love having a dream, and this one isn't gone yet. God is still good, even if I have to change dreams down the road. I trust His heart.
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