I bought the book, The Rules, not too long after my divorce was final nine years ago. I think I had read about it in the newspaper. It's supposed to tell women to follow the rules about men that their grandmothers followed in their day. But when I read the book, I was offended by the picture it painted of both men and women, so I stuck the book on a shelf and forgot about it.
Then after a couple years, this guy and I started dating, and I began falling for him, and I'm certain he was falling for me. But all of a sudden, as if he was afraid to feel too much, he pulled back and not long after that, he said he wanted to be "just friends." I was too stupid and hopeful to understand that's not what he really meant, but after some more pain, I finally figured out that I had been dumped.
About that time, a friend of mine got dumped too, and she and I commiserated and cast aspersions on our respective unworthy men. She brought up The Rules in a positive light and told me that, where The Rules says what women should do, Mars and Venus On A Date explains why.
So I read Mars & Venus and went back and reread The Rules and discovered that I could have known, early on, that my dating relationship would go nowhere: If a man gives a woman a non-romantic gift, it means he doesn't feel "that way" (at least not enough) about her.
My date, who worked at a wholesale plant and flower company, gave me a small clay pot with three tiny cacti in it.
Once I read that Rule, I started to believe. At least in most of it (they talk about it maybe being OK to have sex before marriage, but not until after several months--somehow I don't think my grandmothers would have approved).
I bring this up because I have two young women living under my roof, and I need to help prepare them as much as I can with the time I have remaining with them in close contact.
They're involved in church and Bible studies, and they know the Big Things, like saving themselves for marriage and marrying Christian men. And they know at least one less-Scriptural but still critical point that I drummed into my daughter and I've heard her telling her friends: Never allow a man to stay in his car and honk the horn to get you to come out. If he doesn't think you're worth the trouble of getting out of his car and coming to the door for you, then he's not worthy of you.
In my Romance post, I discussed the importance (and thrill) of taking it slow. But is there anything else I might tell my daughter and her friend, at this late stage, that could help them navigate the hazards of relationships? What would you want your daughter to know about how to tell if he's the right man and if he's treating her right? And are there particular books you recommend? So far, I have the aforementioned books, plus:
Passion and Purity
Quest for Love
Any help?
2 comments:
Skyepuppy,
This is an excellent question. I have an 18 month old daughter and I believe that it is never too early to start instilling values and common sense in our children.
I am very blessed. I married a man who is better than I am. In fact, I don't know why he chose me. Why I chose him is clear to anyone who knows him. He is a Godly man who loves me with all his heart and has always been, from the first time we met to now, almost 8 years and one baby later, a perfect gentleman. I couldn't have found a better match for myself than the one God brought into my life.
The first thing that popped into my mind was reminding your daughters to observe how the young man in question treats his mother and family members. How a man treats his mother is very telling, in my experience, of how he will most likely treat the important women in his life.
Another thought is to remind your daughters to look for someone who wants just as much for their lives as they do. Look for a man who is willing to support you in your dreams and decisions. Someone who is only focused on himself and his goals is probably not the best man you can find.
Another small thing....not only should the man in question always get out of the car and come to the door, but he should always open doors for your daughters. That's a rarity these days, but it is still possible to find a gentleman.
You know, I'm not really thinking clearly right now. My little girl has been sick all day, so my brain is a bit fried, but I'll give this some more thought and see if any other ideas or reading materials come to mind. It's as serious a topic as anything else posted here...just a lot more personal. I can already tell, however, that your girls are lucky to have a mom like you.
Christina,
Thanks! Those are great things to tell them. And, you reminded me of another one: When a man pressures the woman for sex before marriage, it's a big indicator that he will keep putting his own desires ahead of the well-being of his family.
"Someone who is only focused on himself" (however that shows in his life) is immature and unready for the responsibility of marriage.
Great tips! Thanks.
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